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Performative sex is driven by scripts, goals, or external expectations instead of genuine presence and pleasure
It's shaped by porn, media, and body image pressures, it leads to disconnection, reduced pleasure, performance anxiety, and even consent issues
To tackle it practice mindfulness, approach sex with curiosity, communicate openly with partners, and seek therapy if overwhelmed
Sex that follows a script, or tries to, is performative sex. This is sex to prove a point, achieve a goal or meet someone’s expectations.
"It becomes like a performance where you feel like you have to act out or follow predefined roles," says Kassandra Mourikis, a sex therapist who believes that pleasure is central to wellbeing.
A rule of thumb: if you are spending more time thinking than you are feeling, you are performing. There are many reasons you might be performing, many of them not in your control.
Our performances are influenced by our ideas of what sex should be. Ideas we develop while growing up watching porn, movies, or peers – none of which are honest. Ms. Mourikis points out that most of us don’t have an accurate idea of what sex looks like when starting out, but we all feel the need to be good at it.
“Mainstream porn is heteronormative – , centres the penis, has very little foreplay and makes it seem like women can be instantly aroused and love everything that happens to them,” she says, "There is also a huge representation issue; no fat bodies, no disabled bodies. Porn has a race problem."
Body image issues often make people self conscious in bed – too busy thinking about how they are looking or moving to be present in the moment, too busy thinking about what the other person is thinking. Trying to impress someone, trying to act a certain way, trying to project a particular image of yourself – all of these are performances.
Performing keeps you out of the present and stops you from enjoying yourself, often making it hard to orgasm or causing erectile dysfunction. When someone is too focussed on their actions and not enough on their partner’s reaction, this can lead to more serious violations of consent as well.
But then, how to stop? According to Ms. Mourikis, the most important part of having authentic, enjoyable sex is being mindful. Simply wanting to be in the moment is not enough, we cannot help our intrusive thoughts. So, we must learn to engage with our mind and body at the same time. Of course, she clarifies, it’s probably best to practice this skill in a less high-stakes, non-sexual environment beforehand.
It is also important to approach sex with curiosity more than expectations – it’s better to learn from your mistakes than to dwell on them. And if you still catch yourself overthinking or getting anxious, use movement to bring your attention back to your senses.
Communication goes a long way to stem your need to perform. Talking out your problems with your partner can balance expectations, manage anxiety and create a feeling of safety that will make it easier to be free and open during sex. If the intrusive thoughts and anxieties are too debilitating to deal with on your own, you might even benefit from therapy.
To make intimacy less performative and more enjoyable, it is important for all of us to adjust our expectations from sex and our images of ourselves. [Rh/DS]
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